I was planning on a doing a post on photography, but as I’m feeling a little too mediocre at the moment I’m just going to let you know what’s going on.
Currently, I’m sitting in my unmade bed, struggling to write this because I have music playing, and it’s difficult for me to not sing songs I’m familiar with. I suppose that means my attention will be rather divided throughout this entry, so I apologize for that. But really, my attention seems always to be divided between at least two separate stimuli; I’ve always had trouble concentrating on anything, which is likely why I’m not very bright in the “typical” way that people are; why I haven’t much skill in anything really, just small bits of talent in various areas; why I still have trouble sleeping, as I have for as long as I can remember; why my website goes untouched for weeks; why my prayers tend to last two or three times longer than they ought. The only time I seem to be able to focus on a single subject, is when I’m face to face with someone in conversation.
From the first line of this post I’m sure you can gather (and probably have gathered) I’m in some sort of unusual mood, or what would seem to be unusual for an individual such as myself.
I just spent the last five minutes sitting and thinking about how I could continue writing this, knowing that if I finish I’m going to post it. I know I don’t have many readers (even that is a discouragement), yet any who do read it are either going to think of me as a whiner, or someone to be pitied. I don’t want to be either. But from what’s in my head I know I must be. I don’t know which I am, and don’t enjoy speculating on who might settle on one description or the other after reading this. But if I don’t write it, I’ll just tell myself that I procrastinated again, wasted more time doing nothing productive. Yet the further I get into this the less valuable or informative an entry it becomes. It was supposed to be an update on my life, instead it’s become a depressant.
So, what is going on, Joel? Well, I’m still at home, which I’m not happy about. In fact it’s very discouraging. I’m only running lower on funds, but I’m back from where I started my trip over a month ago. When I got home I quickly began work on the Jeep to get it ready to leave. Yet after installing the new oil pan gasket with a friend, I’ve done virtually nothing else to work on the truck. I sanded the hatch and hood a few days ago to prepare for painting, but haven’t done more, and don’t know when I will. I’ll likely have to buy more sandpaper before I can finish. I don’t have any real deadline for painting, which means I’m slacking on the preparation. I want to leave, and I really don’t care where I end up. Even if I run out of money somewhere on the road, at least it will force me to do something.
I feel stuck in a hole. But I’m not even trying to climb out. The voices that discourage me come from my own mind. It seems like nothing I do brings me to a place I’m satisfied with, even the things that I used to enjoy the most, like photography, and reading. This morning after I got up and ate a bit I came back upstairs to pray. Then I laid down and had my iPhone play the Bible for me because I was too tired to read. I have no reason to be tired.
I know I’m being attacked, and have an idea why, but I don’t even care, because I tend to agree with the attacks. And the worst part of it all is that I know I am a Christian, I know God, but I’m doing a really awful job of representing Christ. I have no business being this way. Yet I am. Why? I’ve dealt with these spurts of down-and-outism my whole life, and I’m tired of it. But I really don’t know what to do about them.
So that’s that. I’ll probably hit a high point again soon, and feel great for a while, then spiral back downwards for some reason and be back to this exact same spot. For now, I’m going to continue listening to this eighties playlist, since I don’t have anything else to do.
and, confused once again,
— Joel