A couple of weeks ago, I sat down in a cafe in Dover, Tasmania and wrote about my experience on the island. I had intended to post it here as an update to my trip, but it felt so negative that I wasn’t sure I should. Not so much negative in how I was processing things — as though I weren’t feeling good about it all — but negative in that my experiences with certain people really weren’t very good. In fact they were quite unpleasant, and I was still working through what they meant when I wrote that. It felt a bit unfair, even though I gave no names or details to the story, and I don’t think I ought to have felt quite right posting those thoughts. Maybe I’ll re-write them someday, or the meaning of them. For now, I do want to update all of you who have been following along with this journey of mine. So here goes.
Currently I’m in a bar in Sydney called Bitter Phew. The couch I’m sitting on is impossibly comfortable, and the large open windows behind me are letting in lovely soft light and the sound of rain. I chose the bar because it was near to where I’m heading this evening, and the photos in Google Maps made it look nice. It hasn’t disappointed. It’s on the second floor of an old building in the Darlinghurst area here in Sydney. There are no televisions in the room, aside from one high up and behind the counter, partially obstructed from view by bottles, and used only for checking security cameras. The music isn’t too loud, and the other patrons (at the moment anyway) are very restrained. It seems this is a place where people come simply to drink, and talk. No sports games, no darts. There are framed photographs on the walls that look like they were made by local artists. I’m drinking a beer that the bartender recommended to me, and it’s actually quite good.
I have one week left in Australia before flying back home, and I think this is the most excited I can remember being. I’ll have been gone for two months when I return. I will never regret this trip, but that isn’t because it’s been nothing but good. I tell everyone who asks that it has been a net positive experience: positive growth and change have come from it. I’m thankful for where I’ve been, where I’m going, and what part this journey overseas has played in it. I would be lying if I said to anyone that it’s been easy, or mostly fun and games. In all honesty it has stretched me a great deal, it’s been very hard for me, and there have certainly been a number of unpleasant experiences in it. It’s been lonely, as traveling by myself always is. It’s been hard because of all the wonderful people and places that I left behind. I ran away from my home, and wasn’t willing to admit it to myself until I was already far away.
I don’t want to romanticize my life in Arkansas any more than my time traveling. I had struggles there too, and plenty of pain. But I had support and opportunity as well. This trip was also an opportunity to be sure, and one I’ll never regret taking. But what it has done is open my eyes to just how much beauty there was already in my life where I was. I came out here for the wrongs reasons, but I learned. That is enough. There was no real grand scheme, no defined goal that I had in mind to accomplish while here, only vague ideas and dreams. Yet since being here I’ve realized that I can pursue those dreams in Arkansas, surrounded by the people I love, who love me. This chapter of my life has better prepared me to do that, and for that I am grateful.
There are people here who love me as well, who have shown that. In the last two weeks I’ve met family here in Sydney. I attended one of the Hillsong campus churches on the 16th, and was once again reminded of the love that this body of believers has for people. To be welcomed, attended to, taken in as I have been, is beautiful, and encouraging — more now than in almost any other period of my life. I’m going to a surprise birthday party tonight for one of these wonderful people, and maybe spending the remaining days in Sydney with others from the church. Tomorrow I’m going out to take photos with another photographer from this group. They have been so wonderful to me, and I can’t think of a better way to round out my time here. Indeed, this was the ending that I needed desperately. To be shown real love, kindness and generosity; to be listened to and affirmed. To not spend my last days in Australia in solitude, without friends. This was what I needed.
It will honestly be bittersweet leaving this place, now that I’ve found family. There are people here who could make this place home. And that’s a comforting thought to me, to know that I can come back to a place and be welcomed. It is a relief, to feel that this trip has done more than grow me through trials, but that it has given me other tangible benefits as well. It has brought more love into my life, and further opened my eyes to the good in others. If I’d grown, but not found friends, this journey would have been a bit disappointing. Yet if I had found friends, even without growing, it still would have been a success. Of course, the best friends are those who cause you to change and grow, who through their own lives inspire you to live better, and love more strongly. These have done so.
I will be home soon. I’ll be staying with one of my best friends for a little bit at least. It makes me so happy knowing that I’ve good people to go back to, people who have poured so much good into my life, who deserve good for themselves. I want this year, more than any previous, to do that for those around me — I want to do good to the people in my life. In 2020 I want to grow in love, in positivity, in determination, in ambition, in selflessness, curiosity, confidence, generosity. That is my goal for this year, and I think I’ve had a pretty decent kick-start toward it. For that, I am grateful.
with love,
Joel
P.S. I have a lot of photos to share, but don’t think I’ll be able to upload them with this post. I’ve decided I’ll instead be compiling a good bit of them into an album (maybe more than one) here on my website, once I’ve got them all processed and sorted, and they will be easily accessible there.