When I was younger, and particularly as a child, I had what I would now call a very unhealthy view of myself. Thinking positive things about myself was difficult, and my internal monologue was most often hypercritical. It has always been hard to think of myself in a good light, because so much of my energy has been used in down-talking myself internally. As you can probably attest to from your own experience, we become as we think we are.
Likely I’m not alone in this way of thinking. Indeed, it seems to be a pretty common way of talking about oneself. When receiving a compliment, we may try and dodge it totally, or at the least pass it off with a joke, turning an otherwise very positive word into an ironic observation of some perceived flaw in ourselves, or perhaps using it as a chance to compare ourselves to someone else. “Oh, Tom is much better at that than I,” “Jane has so much more passion than I do,” “I’m nowhere near as effective as Harry over there,” et cetera. Rather than thanking the person who has noticed a positive trait in us, we try to deny it — which is rude in that it amounts to saying something like “Your observation is false, sir,” or “If you only knew me better you would see that you’re wrong.” Certainly it is impolite on that account, but it also, I believe, says something more important about our deeper thoughts of self.
If every day I wake up, go into the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror and say “You are a failure, Joel!” I will surely become just that thing. Having pronounced judgement, I will proceed to live under its condemning hand. To put it another way, what we believe of ourselves eventually becomes true.
Now I must acknowledge the fact that not all people will have grown up suffering under such self-deprecating thoughts as I did, and indeed many have been afflicted with the inverse disease, that of thinking they can do no wrong, everything that they do is utterly praiseworthy, and no critical word spoken against them could possibly be well-founded or worth consideration. Both of these extremes are obviously unhelpful, but I do think that more people generally are guilty of the former fault: thinking too little of themselves, being too negative and critical, not showing grace to their own person as they would to others. And I want to speak against such things, as a former victim of such a mindset, but also as a Christian.
You may have all the disagreements in the world with my following a man who lived and died (and, I believe, rose) roughly two millennia ago. But I think we can both agree that the things that this man did and said, and the way that he lived and taught others to live, was at the least beneficial and helpful, and at the best utterly transformative. And what of his thoughts of me? What truth do the Scriptures have to give to me? What wisdom can I learn from them?
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10)
See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. (1st John 3:1)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. (2nd Corinthians 5:17)
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:13-14)
For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. (Galatians 3:26)
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. (Matthew 5:14)
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (2nd Timothy 1:7)
And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. (Genesis 1:31)
And so when I think of this God whom I follow, do I imagine him looking upon me with scorn, or disappointment? Do I think he spends his time putting me down, and speaking negativity over me? That he looks on me and says “That Joel, he is a rotten one. It’s no wonder he’s going to have a terrible day!” What a silly idea that would be! Of course I don’t believe my Lord is speaking so. And yet, do I say such things of myself? At times I know I have. And when I do so, am I not essentially saying to my God, “Lord, if you only knew me better… If you could see what I see in myself… You don’t know what I’ve done…” Consider, dear heart, what your words of yourself say also of the Lord.
One objection that seems common to what I’m trying to put forward is this idea that praising oneself is arrogant, or prideful, and that it must therefore be a humble thing to put oneself down and remember one’s place in the dust. And to this idea I think C. S. Lewis had some wise words to say.
Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.”
— C. S. Lewis; Mere Christianity
This hardly seems to need explaining, but I’ll expound upon it anyway. It is one thing to acknowledge the things which are good and true about yourself; it is another thing to go about your life volunteering information on how wonderful you think you are all of the time. It is also one thing to recognize that you have need of improvement in all sorts of areas (as we all do), quite another to suggest that you are simply horrible in every way imaginable.
All this has come about in my mind because while at work recently a customer complimented one of my coworkers. My coworker didn’t know how to take the compliment, and mostly laughed about it. But it inspired a conversation, and a question, which then led into many conversations with many different people. The question was this: What adjectives would you use to describe yourself? Not your ideal self, nor only your least favourite version of self, the one that comes out when you’re tired and haven’t eaten in twelve hours and have had nothing to listen to but complaining all day. No, what I am asking is this: the true you, the one created by the Almighty God, the you that you are still discovering day by day as you grow and improve in all sorts of ways -- what is that person like?
love,
— Joel