As a follower of Yeshua I have the unique privilege of being able to begin anew, each day, every morning, noon, or evening. Every hour, I am given the choice, to start fresh, with new mercies, new graces … or to surrender to the past, and sit idly by as it devours my future, and soils the gift that is today. I have surrendered my whole life to this devil, and I wish to make a change.
This God that I follow, this person, He has hurt me, and He has let me down. I don’t know that it ought to look any different than it does, but this relationship is not what I was brought up to believe it would be. And yet, what of it? What am I to do? I don’t know what it looks like for anyone else, following this Yeshua, this dead man come back to life. I don’t know that it hurts them as much as it does me, that it is as confusing, or difficult, or heavy as it has been in my own life. And why should I? Your relationship with your father, heavenly or otherwise, is not as mine. Why would it be? Your heart is not mine, your mind and body, flesh and bones and veins are your own, why should not this also be unique to you? And to me.
All these things are so, and the weight is indeed a load to bear, though I say not that this is all that it is. But it is these things, and I should be a liar to say otherwise. The joy of new birth does not undo the pain of death. There is hurt and horror in this world. And yet … and yet says this one whom I call Father, “Look upon my scars: so have I loved thee. And still I love thee.”
What that truly means I am still learning, and shall be learning till the ending of this long sojourn. But … I must, I must believe it! I must accept this truth today, and every day that I am given, and begin again. I am certain that I will still bleed and bruise and cry, for never did my Father say that I would not. Yet still, still I know, I know He loves me. And in this truth, I am free. In this truth I choose to live anew, today.
— Joel