I was raised in a Christian home. My parents started following Jesus shortly after marrying and, to the best of their ability, raised their children to do the same. We went to church every Sunday, and usually while in the car listened to the Moody Radio Network, where pastors and teachers from all over the county could be heard pontificating on the Gospel at nearly every hour of the day. We read children’s Bibles before we were old enough to properly digest the often difficult and confusing words of their “grown up” versions. Being educated at home we were exposed only to the things our parents wanted us to experience — for the most part — and taught the things they thought it important for us to know. One of those things was the virtue of asking questions, and seeking truth. This was a lesson I took to heart. I learned to ask questions, to take almost nothing I was told at face value, but to think for myself, and grow.
As time went on, within the religious culture I existed in, I learned to question even my teachers. Pastors debate amongst themselves, and I realized that if I agreed with all of them, I wouldn’t be able to agree with any of them. I learned to sift through information, study Scripture for myself, and come to my own conclusions — taking into account the views and ideas of those who have come before me, and paved the way. There are so many brilliant minds in the world, the more so on account of their being able to disagree. I learned to do that myself, and I grew from it. I learned that not all of the views expressed on the Moody Radio Network were unanimously accepted, in the Christian community or outside of it; that there were in fact other perspectives, even on what might seem like the most simple of issues raised in Scripture. I learned that for me to be a discerning follower of Jesus, I had to weigh all things in my mind, and not merely accept what I was told.
Fast forward to several years ago, when I truly began to follow Jesus as my own King, and not merely a deity handed down to me from my parents. This is when I started realizing that even though I had been raised in the church, and had spent more time listening to preachers than even the average Christian years older than myself, there were aspects of this belief system that I had taken for granted, assumed I understood, without really questioning. I’d assumed I knew the “basic truths,” because everyone knew those. Didn’t they? Things like trust, prayer, salvation, Scripture reading, missions. I grew up with assumptions on these issues that I didn’t question. And so I didn’t grow.
I’m happy to say that I have since learned to ask questions. But I’ve also learned that there are certain things I thought I had addressed, that I never really did. Important things. One of the big ones was trust. What does it mean to trust God? Growing up in a middle-class home in a humdrum suburb of Chicago, I had parents who worked, who bought groceries to put in the fridge and cabinets; there was always food to eat; the bills were paid, so the lights stayed on; in winter I could stay inside to keep warm, and in the summer I could keep cool; I started working at seventeen, and when I wanted something, I bought it with the money I earned. What was I trusting God for?
I started out on my bicycle to try and answer that question by riding across the country and staying with strangers. I didn’t get very far on that trip, but I did become more aware of my needs, and God’s provision. I think what really made an impact was my willingness to even ask the question: do I really trust God, or have I just assumed that I trust Him? This was the beginning of my asking such questions.
I’ve been wrestling lately with other questions. I won’t actually get into them here and now (though I’d love to chat about them in you’re interested), but one which I hadn’t realized I still needed to explore, was faith. On it’s own, that’s a very far-reaching subject, so let me narrow the discussion a bit. What is James getting at in his letter to the church? To be clear, I’m not trying to bring up the “faith versus works” argument, as I think it’s very clear that that isn’t what he’s talking about. Our actions are an expression of the faith that we have, that’s clear. But, it goes deeper than I had realized. Or maybe I merely had a too narrow view of what constitutes “works.”
Growing up in an environment that (unconsciously) taught me to be very focused on performance, I learned to view “works” as the things that you could see, the things that could be measured or quantified. And while I didn’t ever really believe that my good works earned me God’s favour, I did understand that having God’s favour would inevitably cause me to do good works. That said, I still had a certain idea of what it was that “good works” looked like. I thought they were simple. (I didn’t know that I thought this, however.) To generalise, feeding the hungry, giving to the poor, clothing the naked; these are the good works that result from knowing the love of God, right? And I did these things. Outwardly, I’ve always looked like a good church kid — even when in reality I was suffering from addiction and contemplating killing myself in my lowest moments. From the outside looking in, no one knew. And while I have improved vastly since entering into my twenties, outwardly and inwardly, I’ve retained, at least subconsciously, a perspective of works-based approval.
Today, while reading the letter of James, something clicked, and I realized a mistake I’d made.
I have, all of my life, tried to prove that I knew the love of God, by showing the good works He was producing in me. I’ve held up my deeds to the eyes of those who are watching, and I’ve said, “See! I have been changed!” And I certainly have been. In fact I’m still changing. But those good deeds are not really the evidence of that, not on their own. Because anyone can try to be good, anyone can produce results that bring nods of approval and warm hearts wearied by sadness. In all honesty, that’s easy to do. What isn’t easy, is accepting the fact that Jesus loved you before you did any of those things.
And that’s the crucial action that I truly believe I have been missing. Waking up each day and choosing to believe that God loves me, and it has nothing to do with the things I’ve done, or the things I will do. That is a choice, and a very difficult one for me. I honestly don’t know how to believe it. Other than, quite simply, making the choice. I choose to believe what God says about me, and about Himself. I choose to believe that He made me intentionally, gave me a purpose, has plans to bring about good for me, desires to see me joyful, delights in the man that I am, and loved me unto death. This is a choice I must make each and every day. And it will produce good fruit in my life, but that fruit will be a product of knowing the love of Yeshua, not a thing manufactured by me to prove my worth to Him.
Faith is choosing to believe that God loves you, and this will bring about a changed life. It is not the act of changing your life, to prove that you are loved by God.
Maybe you think you’ve a good grasp on what faith means. Maybe you’ve grown up much like I have, and feel that you pretty much have the “basic truths” figured out. But maybe, even though you could tell me all of this, and hear me speak these words and nod along with everything I’ve said, maybe you still don’t really know that you’re loved, even without your good behaviour. Maybe you need to sit in the quiet with God, and ask Him to show you, to help you understand, what His love really looks like. I know I need that.
love,
— Joel
Geeky Things
Camera: Google Pixel 2
Location: Little Bread Co., Fayetteville, AR
Processed In: Lightroom Mobile, VSCO
Notes: The images in this post come from my phone, and were made at Little Bread Co., one of my favourite spots in downtown Fayetteville. I shoot in RAW in the native Google camera app, then import into Lightroom Mobile, where I adjust exposure and colour; I like being able to use the curves tool to get the tones right, and having a lot of control over white balance and individual colours is really nice. After that I export the files, and import into VSCO, where I apply a preset (A6 in this case, one of my favourites; I usually tone these down a bit, depending on the look I’m going for of course), use the fade tool a little, and add grain if I want it. Then I export, and I’m done. That’s my workflow for pretty much all of my mobile images.