Those who are used to being around me, but haven’t seen me in my more vulnerable moments, are probably used to me as an energetic, joyful, excitable, smiling, laughing young man, difficult to upset, but so easy to please. That is generally what I’m like, but not all the time certainly. What you see is all genuine, all me, but it is only one part of me, and it comes at a cost. Because being one who lives with joys so high means also experiencing lows of greater depth. I’ve shared with plenty of people that depression has been a nearly incessant struggle in my life. I often feel as if I’m balanced on a precipice, knowing the dark terrors that lie below, knowing that so little could topple me over the edge. At times I’ve even lived in fear of this cliff, anxious in the best of times that something is about to knock me down and bring me back to the sad place I know is only too near. At times through choosing to live in this fear, I haven’t even been able to enjoy the day that were good, because I was fixated on the bad I thought must be coming.
“Normal people protect themselves. Love is reserved for those who deserve it. Normal people don’t love right away, because it’s dangerous. I’m not like those people. For one reason or another I choose to make myself vulnerable very quickly, without asking if it is wise. Without worrying for my safety.”
I want to continue sharing about this subject because I know I’m not alone in my struggles, and if I can help someone else through a similar difficulty, my own hurts will be worth it. Through my transparency I want others to know that they are not alone, and that they can talk about this in safety. I am a safe person to talk to, and I want you to know that with certainty.
“… The only way to be happy is to love. And you will be loved.”
One area in particular that I struggle in, that raises these issues for me more than other things do, is in relationships, especially with women. Since I was a child I’ve dealt with feeling unwanted and lonely. As I got older, I realized the very strong desire I had for a companion, and these negative thoughts deepened. Not only was I not wanted by people in general, but I wasn’t wanted by women. That’s what I’ve told myself for a long time. Through doing this I’ve sabotaged myself again and again, and neglected or ruined opportunities to get to know people because I couldn’t bring myself to believe that I was worth loving. And that simply isn’t true.
“I battle with myself, asking whether love can really be worth it. Worth all the hurt, all the brokenness and heartache. Deep down I know it is. For me to feel less than I do would be to give up a part of who I am, the man I was made to be.”
I know deep down that I’m valuable, that I have a lot to offer. There are things that so many notice about me that I turn a blind eye to, even if in another I would see them as painfully obvious qualities. Though I notice the beauty in others with ease, and scold myself when I treat them as less than beautiful, I have the hardest time giving such attention to my own heart. I give my joy to others, because I believe that they deserve it, but I leave little for myself. And I know that’s wrong. Because we all deserve joy. We all deserve to be loved.
Loving another person means risking your heart. Risking it potentially on someone who won’t return what you’ve given them. We walk around with walls around ourselves and guards up because we know this is true. Loving someone means surrendering to them, giving them power over you. And at that point, they can choose to do what they will with your heart. It is always a risk. And the questions remains, after all these years: is it worth it? Would it not be better to lock ourselves away and not feel this love, if it meant also that we felt no pain?
“Be not discouraged, dear heart, only believe. Expect blessing, child. Know that you have the favour of the Father. It is yours already. You are truly beloved.”
There is a balance that exists in this world. Because we cannot in this broken place feel love without hurt along with it, for the greatest things walk hand in hand with the most difficult. So I could choose to pop a pill that would shut me off from pain, by closing my heart to love. And some in this life would think that sacrifice worth it. But I say that the reverse is true. To know true love is worth any hurt.
It is true that because of the way I am I often walk in darkness, through the valley of the shadow of death. But I lie also in green pastures, and sit beside peaceful streams. I see children laughing, and it makes me smile deep inside. I feel the wind and hear the birds sing, and it makes me laugh for beauty. I wade into the water and feel it lap around my legs and brush my fingertips, and it puts a song in me and makes me close my eyes to listen. I drive along the road with the windows down and remember how extraordinary it is to be alive. The simplest things can bring me to tears. Darkness hurts me deeply because inside that shadow I see the light that could be. I believe in it, grasp for it, but know that sometimes it is just out of my reach. I see this shadow infect the lives of those whom I love, watch it reach its aged fingers toward them and brush their skin, and it breaks my heart.
“Open your eyes, beloved, open your eyes! The world is set before you, for its Maker hung upon a cross that you might rule it by His side. Open your eyes to the overwhelming love of this God, and see what it is He offers you.”
How could ever I choose to give this up? To have eyes to see and ears to hear … what a gift. A precious burden. Give it up? For what? To walk about in coldness and apathy, to feel nothing, no hurt nor love, to risk nought, and have nought to gain? To be blind to the miracle a life, such would be a curse. Life, a gift from the start, from the beating of the heart and the pulsing of the lungs at the very beginning, a gift unsought for yet freely given.
Today as always I am faced with a choice: to accept the man that I am, embrace the difficulty that comes with the beauty, to be true as I know I ought to be, truly myself … or to shut away this identity I’ve been given, wrap a blindfold about my eyes, stop up my ears, and numb the touch of my hands. To allow my heart to bleed and laugh and mourn and exalt, or to freeze and paralyze it. As hard as it will be at times — as hard as it has been — I know what my decision will be. Again and again.
How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.
love,
— Joel